I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
only if we run a train.
done.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
