Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
