omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
