My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's rum buckets o'clock
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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