You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
