Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
