I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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