Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
