i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
