My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
