i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
