I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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