we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
