im drinking this country out of the recession.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
