I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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