So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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