happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
