Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
