if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
