just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
