i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
