remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He better not be in your backpack
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
