Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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