He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Are we still banned from the library?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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