News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
