I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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