Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
