but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We had to coat check the pizza.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
