just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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