he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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