She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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