There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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