I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
