I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
