you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
