It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
