I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
