Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
