WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
