What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
