Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
