did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
