I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
