ugly people sure do ruin things
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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