She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
