doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
