EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
