He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
