I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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