At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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