He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
